Dear Girl who Hates Herself,
I know the headphones you wear hear one speaker: The Whisperer of Lies.
I know it muffles all other voices.
Please take them off for a minute?
Hear HOPE. Hear GRACE.
Hear the Voice of the One who already took the punishment.
He knows your dirty thoughts and still loves you.
He knows your scarred past and still wants you.
He hears the muffled cries of your heart and knocks to come in and hold you.
He says you’re worth it. He says you’re Something.
Please let Him in. You won’t regret it.
Love,
Girl who has Been There
---
MY STORY:
The mind is a beautiful and scary thing. Just one thought can inspire life….or death.
No one expects a good ol’ Christian girl to know this pain. No one thinks twice to examine the heart of a 14-year-old in youth group and FCA. Externally, I was “fine.” I looked happy. I was playful. I was a ‘normal’ teenage kid. But on the inside, I was falling apart. I knew God was real, knew He had paid the penalty for my sin, but somehow I could not-would not- embrace the understanding of His Grace.
It is still hard for me to remember the incredible pain from that year. Self-destruction is a disease, a feeding of lies and an allowance of the serpent, the Whisperer of Lies to take control over a mind. It began with physical pain of an unknown cause, a doctor who told me it was all in my head. No one else could understand it, so I began hating the world that didn’t believe me. Negative thinking is gangrene- it quickly seeps into the blood and streams through the body without immediate signs. I began viewing myself as worthless, inadequate. I began telling myself that I was nothing, a piece of dirt that should be trampled on. I questioned why God thought I was worth dying for, and decided I wasn’t. Without fully understanding it, I rejected salvation and chose to begin punishing myself for my sin. I pushed away family and close friends who might've started to see warning signs. I contemplated ways to self-inflict pain, but was too paralyzed with fear to follow through on a lot of it. I played scenario after scenario in my head of ways I could kill myself without scarring my family. I decided the world was indifferent to my fate and it wouldn’t matter if I stayed or went. I sought counsel from but one person through that time who encouraged me and prayed for me, but could not break through the walls of darkness that I had built around my heart.
The day I went into the bathroom and reached for a razor, my heart was in turmoil. I was scared and choked by guilt but determined to follow through with my destructive thoughts. As I brought the razor to my arm, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and over my shoulder, terrified that someone had caught me. Instead, I saw no one butheard a whisper in my heart that said, “YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER. IT WILL BE OKAY.” The feeling of a physical hand accompanied by the voice of God stunned me just enough that I dropped the razor immediately and broke down in tears. I have not touched a razor with that purpose since that day.
God has carried me. He has taught me daily of His GRACE, which is hard to understand and such a beautiful gift. I felt there was no purpose, nothing to look forward to in life. Today I sit in tears, feeling overwhelmed by the truth of Titus 3:5,7: “…he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit…so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”
God gave me HOPE that day in the bathroom.
Today I wrote "LOVE" on my arms, for two reasons: to remember how God rescued me from darkness, and to pray for those who are still in the midst of it. Today I share life with a godly man, a beautiful little boy, and am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. The beauty of this temporary life on earth has captured me, while I have daily chosen to learn more about my Maker, who I will someday be with in person. I truly believe Psalm 139:14: “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” I still have days that I must be reminded that I am beautiful. But when the Whisperer of Lies comes around, I know his voice and I am equipped to fight.
___________________________________________________________________________
Today is Suicide Awareness Day, or To Write Love on Her Arms Day. The purpose is to remember those who have lost their lives to suicide, and to encourage those with self-destructive habits that they are loved.
Read the story of the girl that inspired “To Write Love on Her Arms”: (http://www.twloha.com/vision/story/)
I know the headphones you wear hear one speaker: The Whisperer of Lies.
I know it muffles all other voices.
Please take them off for a minute?
Hear HOPE. Hear GRACE.
Hear the Voice of the One who already took the punishment.
He knows your dirty thoughts and still loves you.
He knows your scarred past and still wants you.
He hears the muffled cries of your heart and knocks to come in and hold you.
He says you’re worth it. He says you’re Something.
Please let Him in. You won’t regret it.
Love,
Girl who has Been There
---
MY STORY:
The mind is a beautiful and scary thing. Just one thought can inspire life….or death.
No one expects a good ol’ Christian girl to know this pain. No one thinks twice to examine the heart of a 14-year-old in youth group and FCA. Externally, I was “fine.” I looked happy. I was playful. I was a ‘normal’ teenage kid. But on the inside, I was falling apart. I knew God was real, knew He had paid the penalty for my sin, but somehow I could not-would not- embrace the understanding of His Grace.
It is still hard for me to remember the incredible pain from that year. Self-destruction is a disease, a feeding of lies and an allowance of the serpent, the Whisperer of Lies to take control over a mind. It began with physical pain of an unknown cause, a doctor who told me it was all in my head. No one else could understand it, so I began hating the world that didn’t believe me. Negative thinking is gangrene- it quickly seeps into the blood and streams through the body without immediate signs. I began viewing myself as worthless, inadequate. I began telling myself that I was nothing, a piece of dirt that should be trampled on. I questioned why God thought I was worth dying for, and decided I wasn’t. Without fully understanding it, I rejected salvation and chose to begin punishing myself for my sin. I pushed away family and close friends who might've started to see warning signs. I contemplated ways to self-inflict pain, but was too paralyzed with fear to follow through on a lot of it. I played scenario after scenario in my head of ways I could kill myself without scarring my family. I decided the world was indifferent to my fate and it wouldn’t matter if I stayed or went. I sought counsel from but one person through that time who encouraged me and prayed for me, but could not break through the walls of darkness that I had built around my heart.
The day I went into the bathroom and reached for a razor, my heart was in turmoil. I was scared and choked by guilt but determined to follow through with my destructive thoughts. As I brought the razor to my arm, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and over my shoulder, terrified that someone had caught me. Instead, I saw no one butheard a whisper in my heart that said, “YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER. IT WILL BE OKAY.” The feeling of a physical hand accompanied by the voice of God stunned me just enough that I dropped the razor immediately and broke down in tears. I have not touched a razor with that purpose since that day.
God has carried me. He has taught me daily of His GRACE, which is hard to understand and such a beautiful gift. I felt there was no purpose, nothing to look forward to in life. Today I sit in tears, feeling overwhelmed by the truth of Titus 3:5,7: “…he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit…so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”
God gave me HOPE that day in the bathroom.
Today I wrote "LOVE" on my arms, for two reasons: to remember how God rescued me from darkness, and to pray for those who are still in the midst of it. Today I share life with a godly man, a beautiful little boy, and am surrounded by wonderful friends and family. The beauty of this temporary life on earth has captured me, while I have daily chosen to learn more about my Maker, who I will someday be with in person. I truly believe Psalm 139:14: “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” I still have days that I must be reminded that I am beautiful. But when the Whisperer of Lies comes around, I know his voice and I am equipped to fight.
___________________________________________________________________________
Today is Suicide Awareness Day, or To Write Love on Her Arms Day. The purpose is to remember those who have lost their lives to suicide, and to encourage those with self-destructive habits that they are loved.
Read the story of the girl that inspired “To Write Love on Her Arms”: (http://www.twloha.com/vision/story/)
Beautifully written my friend!
ReplyDeleteThis is really good, Rachel! It's amazing how the Lord brings us through things and then uses it through us to help/encourage others! Thanks for being a blessing :)
ReplyDelete